Epigraph
Page vii • Jan 6, 2026
I want to be the girl with the most cake.
Chapter One
Page 5 • Jan 6, 2026
There are no malls in New York City.
Page 9 • Jan 6, 2026
I’ve only had one cup of coffee today and there’s currently an Adderall shortage in New York City. “Where’s the mirror?”
Page 9 • Jan 6, 2026
“All the mirrors are out here,” she says, pointing toward the pink hallways branching out into dressing rooms. “People usually come here with friends and family and want to share the experience.”
“How fun for them,” I manage through clenched teeth. There is nothing I hate more than trying on clothes in front of a communal mirror and fielding commentary from salespeople, other shoppers, and the odd security guard trying to get my number. The last one is mostly wishful thinking; nothing is more gender-affirming than being desired by people you don’t want to have sex with.
Page 11 • Jan 6, 2026
I’m hustled back into the dressing room, a space draped so aggressively in pink it feels almost vaginal, which is probably the point.
Page 12 • Jan 6, 2026
it is still just a body. It is pale and freckled and imperfect. My hips are too square, my thighs too dimpled, my stomach too curved, my ass too flat. But as I normally do, I try to find the parts of it I like, the parts I see as mine: My collarbones jut in a way that is almost delicate, the freckles on my shoulders left over from summer are sweet and girlish. Eyes wide, neck long, lips full—thank you, Juvéderm.
Chapter Two
Page 19 • Jan 7, 2026
“My family has spent most of my life desperately trying to figure out something to get me for Christmas that isn’t a coupon for conversion therapy.”
“And I went to conversion therapy,”
Page 19 • Jan 7, 2026
“Hey, dolls,” she coos, blowing us air-kisses.
Page 19 • Jan 7, 2026
“What did your parents get you for the holidays last year?” he asks me.
I squirm on the barstool. “Laser hair removal.”
nice
Page 20 • Jan 7, 2026
Seriously, Julia, we can’t have you at this wedding in something off-the-rack. This is your big I’m a gorgeous woman with amazing hair and a fabulous life moment with your entire extended family. You need to be in ready-to-wear at least, if not couture.”
“River has a point, babe.”
Page 21 • Jan 7, 2026
This is deeply, painfully true. When I first came out to my friends, I ranted for months to anyone who would listen about just how much I didn’t care what my family thought about me, all while I was avoiding their emails and video calls so I wouldn’t have to tell them. My dad had to start the conversation by sending me a screenshot of my most recent Instagram post and the words anything u want 2 tell me???
Page 23 • Jan 7, 2026
“Why, she didn’t like the dress Rachel picked out?”
Page 23 • Jan 7, 2026
No, she, uh, didn’t want to walk down the aisle with…you.”
“One moment, please.”
Page 24 • Jan 7, 2026
Jenna got married last year and honestly, the vibe at the wedding was weird. Her dad was strapped at the reception.”
“Like, with a gun?”
“Yeah, can you believe it?
Page 24 • Jan 7, 2026
“Fuck. I’m sorry she had to do that.”
“Don’t apologize, Jules. I’m sorry that you even have to hear this, but I thought you’d want to know who you’re walking down the aisle with now.”
Page 24 • Jan 7, 2026
“No, it’s uh…you actually won’t believe it. It’s Kim Cameron. You know, from high school?”
Kim Cameron.
Thirteen Years Ago
Page 27 • Jan 7, 2026
With Kim Cameron, a year ahead of me, the girl who received a standing ovation in the cafeteria last year for punching a guy in the face when he called her a dyke.
Chapter Four
Page 35 • Jan 8, 2026
Ah yes, the Rosenberg wedding.”
“You must get a lot of those.”
She glances up at me, unmoved. “Weddings?”
“Rosenbergs.”
Her mouth purses. “That sounds a little anti-Semitic.”
“Rosenberg is my last name. The groom is my brother.”
She makes a hmph noise
Page 36 • Jan 8, 2026
“Excuse me, I think I need the next size up.”
Page 37 • Jan 8, 2026
“And I don’t have a sample for you to try. We only carry up to a ten in store.”
Page 38 • Jan 8, 2026
“We can only make orders based on one of our sample dresses, this has already been altered.”
Kim turns to her.
“Ma’am”—which is just about the cruelest thing you can call a middle-aged bridal sales associate and not be thrown out of the store—“perhaps you can make an exception just this once so that I can try the dress on. I’m the maid of honor and I wouldn’t want to have to call another store, or corporate customer service, and let them know how…challenging it was to order my dress.”
Kim glances down at the woman’s ugly pink name tag, clearly taking note. “Lorraine.”
Oh wow, I did not expect Kim to channel her own inner Karen, but needs must.
Chapter Five
Page 39 • Jan 8, 2026
If my high school self could see me now, she’d scream.
Well, if we’re being technical about it, he’d scream.
this hits home the past pronoun confusion
Page 40 • Jan 8, 2026
“Well, you figured one thing out.”
I laugh. “The girl thing, yes. Everything else, not so much. I somehow fell into interior design, which I like and am weirdly good at.”
Page 42 • Jan 8, 2026
“Last I heard they were trying to rent a replica of the couch from Friends for wedding photos.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Straight people?”
“Straight people.”
Page 42 • Jan 8, 2026
It’s no secret that I’m trans, that I haven’t always identified or presented as a woman, but in the current landscape of trans politics, it’s not exactly the done thing to admit to ever having been a gender other than the one you are now, or always were, or whatever.
Page 44 • Jan 8, 2026
this is Kim Cameron, my unattainable first crush suddenly thrust back into my life, the first person I ever wanted so bad I thought I’d die from it.
Page 45 • Jan 8, 2026
“You deserve so much better than that, Julia.”
Page 45 • Jan 8, 2026
“Sure, man, no problem.”
Page 46 • Jan 8, 2026
“It’s miss, dude.” Miss Dude. Good drag name. “Her pronouns are she, her, hers.” She says it with such condescending disdain it causes the waiter to finally break out of his disaffected haze and take us in. He gulps.
“I’m so sorry, uh, ladies.”
Page 46 • Jan 8, 2026
“He’s a clueless asswipe, Julia.” Kim is looking at me with concern that I’d find condescending from anyone else, but she rests her hand on mine again, and the electricity of her touch is just as intense the second time. She looks even more open and sympathetic than she was a few minutes ago. “God, that guy, your family…cis people suck. I apologize on our behalf,” she says. It could be a joke but she says it seriously, and I’d love nothing more than to roll my eyes, but they’re too busy looking down her shirt as she leans over the table.
Page 46 • Jan 8, 2026
“Don’t worry about it.” I’m doing my best trans martyr drag, a woman struggling to be above the constant cruelty of a cisheteronormative society. This is true, in a way, but I’ve conditioned myself as much as possible to be unaffected by it, and insulated by queer people who get it and non-queer people who make an effort to be, ugh, allies.
Page 47 • Jan 8, 2026
“You deserve so much better than that,” she says, echoing her words from before. She’s laying it on thick, which feels like another point in my favor.
Page 48 • Jan 8, 2026
This part is true. My whole life, I’ve been the odd duck, not quite the black sheep but maybe…the gray goat.
Page 49 • Jan 8, 2026
“Anyway, my mother would kill me.”
i hste the msnipulstion
Chapter Seven
Page 62 • Jan 8, 2026
“When she came out, my cellphone was a Motorola Razr. And she knew me when I had acne and greasy hair and oh, was a boy! I need every advantage I can get.”
Chapter Nine
Page 70 • Jan 8, 2026
It’s funny how we are either a reflection of or reaction to our parents.
Twenty-One Years Ago
Page 94 • Jan 9, 2026
Mom and Dad are fighting again.
Page 94 • Jan 9, 2026
Moments later, the yelling starts. They probably think that with two doors and a living room between our rooms we can’t hear them, but they’re so loud. Not loud enough to make out all the words—although reliable phrases like “just like your mother” and “how can you say that to me” are now familiar enough to hear clearly—but the feeling behind the argument all but rattles our small house.
Page 95 • Jan 9, 2026
I know how this will go. They’ll scream for an hour. Mom will cry, Dad will go quiet. Then Mom will start yelling again, and Dad will start crying, something I used to think was impossible. The cycle will repeat a few more times until finally they go quiet.
Page 95 • Jan 9, 2026
“Can I sleep with you?” he asks.
I nod into the darkness, moving over to make room.
We lie together in silence listening to our parents scream at each other. I wonder if this is the first time they’ve woken Aiden up, or if it’s happened before and he’s just lain in silence listening the same way I have. The thought of that makes me sadder than the fighting, which at this point is so familiar I’m becoming numb to it.
“Why are they so angry,” Aiden asks, face turned away from me.
“I dunno.”
“Do you think…” The silence stretches out for a long moment. “Is it our fault?”
Page 96 • Jan 9, 2026
“No, of course not.” I draw an arm around his little body and squeeze him in tight. “It’s grown-up stuff. It has nothing to do with us.”
“Really?”
“Really,” I say, not believing it but hoping desperately that my sweet little brother does. “Now go to sleep, and don’t hog the covers.”
Chapter Fourteen
Page 106 • Jan 9, 2026
“Nah, you’re going to be the hottest girl in there.” She says it so casually, but my heart still speeds up.
Page 109 • Jan 9, 2026
“I’m sure Jules is much happier walking down the aisle with you,” he says, grinning.
“Well, I do have not being an asshole going for me,” says Kim.
“No, I just mean, well,” he laughs, “she had such a crush on you in high school.”
Chapter Fifteen
Page 114 • Jan 9, 2026
She’s. Still. Peeing.
Turning away from her, because it’s very hard not to stare directly at her vagina, I grip the sink for support that has nothing to do with my cleavage.